My Salve to May-hem

There is a movement out there in the internet-verse called Mindful in May. I read about it at the end of March and promptly put it to the back of my mind. After all, I was in the middle of spring break, kids baseball season and entrenched in training our new puppy. Cue up April 30th and you would find me casually looking at my calendar for May. I quickly realized, as I do every May, that this will be one heck of a packed month with at least one “everything weekend”. You know those delightful bookend days that seem to hold all of the events you’d like to (or are obliged) to attend. Our “everything weekend” starts tomorrow. Seeing the events of the month lined up on the calendar triggered my memory of May’s past and the frantic, do-it-all nature of these 31 days. Parties, performances, play-off games and birthday’s dot the calendar as well as Mother’s Day, with it’s weight of importance and our wedding anniversary on the very last day of the month.

Last year we were prepping for our mega road trip and I really could have used a Mindful in May daily ritual, but I was so entrenched in doing all-the-things that I soldiered on, becoming a anxious wreck along the way. This year I’m listening to myself and focusing on building my meditation habit. It’s one that I’ve leaned in and out of over the past couple of years, but I honestly feel the difference immediately when I drop into meditation. My breathing slows and I embrace the moment that I’m in.

Now, that does not mean that I don’t suffer from a million different thoughts and distractions pulling me away from these 10 minutes of quiet. This morning alone I was interrupted by my own thoughts of planning a school event while simultaneously listening to our puppy whine in the other room. Sometimes it’s a kid that walks in and wants my attention at 6:00 am. Or the smell of coffee beckoning me to fill up my cup and return after a few sips of caffeine. But even when that’s the case, I gently tell myself that it – whatever it is – can wait. I am learning that all of this – the distractions, interruptions, calls for “mom” in the other room – are the work of meditation. Retraining my brain to live in the moment without trying to control everything I encounter is hard work for a control freak like me. The feeling of letting go and seeing what will happen if I don’t jump in and act immediately is a novel feeling. Truly.

So, here I am on the 16th of May and I’ve completed 13 daily meditations. I thought I’d share today what I’ve noticed.

1. I’m calmer. This is a BIG deal. I’m not actually a calm person – at all. When I catch myself having the patience to wait for my children to work out one of their 700 daily arguments, I feel like a winner. Usually I want to move the conflict along quickly so we can stop the crying, screaming and stomping. And I definitely still want those things to stop. BUT, I am able to give the situation more time to unfold and that is huge for me. If this were the only benefit, it would genuinely be enough.
2. I’m okay with not knowing what to do in all situations. This is a perfectionism thing that I wrestle with daily. Of course I want all the answers all the time, but that’s never been reality. I’m getting better at asking questions when I don’t know what something is or need more information. My typical MO would be to pretend I know and then fake my way through a conversation by smiling and laughing or nodding at the appropriate types. I definitely want to be an expert at everything and learning to have the mind of a beginner is humbling. I look forward to continuing learning how to be a student.
3. Learning to respond vs. react. Going hand in hand with having more patience and calming the eff down is responding to situations instead of reacting. This is actually why I sought out meditation a few years ago. I am a pretty reactive person and it doesn’t always benefit me. Over the years I’ve begun noticing my triggers and learning to respond is something I’ll probably always work on. Gut instinct has always guided me in making big life decisions, but that primal type of reaction isn’t necessarily justified on a daily basis.
4. I hold my breath – a lot. Learning to breathe naturally sounds like a real no-brainer, but I have discovered that I’m a full-fledged breath-holder, jaw-clencher and teeth grinder. Taking a breath when I feel stress is something I’m still working on, but when I do it instantly ratchets me down a notch. As a non-calm person, I need ratcheting down regularly, and I also need to breathe so this one is a biggie.

I’ll continue my Mindful in May meditation practice throughout the month and beyond. The million days of May will march on and eventually end and that’s evidence enough that dropping into individual moments holds weight. Just this morning I sat for a few minutes, drinking my coffee and listening to my twin sons sing a beautiful song that brought me to tears. It was an impromptu moment brought to me by Pandora and my sweet boys and I’m grateful that I dropped into it.